Okay, if I hear one more self-proclaimed expert spout the internet drivel that a slave has no rights, I'm going to scream.
When people stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships simply because they believe the title of slave permanently prohibits their rights to make choices for themselves, then they are just as delusional as the bozos who claim a master has the right to kidnap or murder his slave.
Pure unadulterated, dangerous BS...that's what it is...
The reality...
Contracts between slaves/subs and masters/dom/mes have absolutely no legal value at all, whether implied, verbal or written. As adults the law holds us responsible for own actions. We are not above the law, nor can we actually legally give up our rights. It's important that we understand this point.
Anyone who thinks being a master means they are above the law, and can kidnap, mentally or physically abuse, keep captive, or kill a slave is delusional.
In Canada, and in the USA, slavery is illegal. One can not legally keep a slave, nor can one legally BE a slave.
The relationship state we refer to as slavery in BDSM is a consensual agreement between two people, and varies according to the people involved, but it is not recognized by the law in Canada or the United States. It can certainly be a healthy, viable relationship as long as all parties are getting their needs met.
Any adult involved in a BDSM relationship must always remember that we must still function in society as legally responsible citizens.
The labels sub, slave, mistress, master, dominant are NOT recognized by the law in Canada, or in the United States.
We may chose to obey our partner, but in a court of law that will not hold up as a legal defense. Even a wife or husband who has made a vow to love honour and obey is not legally free from justice if that obedience leads to an illegal act.
This may not be the way some of us wish things to be but this is how it is. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
Showing posts with label D/s Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label D/s Relationships. Show all posts
More Than Just Leather And Lace
I was pondering the idea of rituals in M/f D/s relationships and started wondering why a fair amount of them seem to revolve around the submissive's appearance.
I suppose a lot of it revolves around the fact that so many men are visual and the way a woman dresses and does her hair can make a huge difference in his feelings towards her.
In so many long term relationships it seems the fire and sexual energy dies after a period of time and my guess is that so much of that comes down to the old adage about familiarity breeding contempt.
Moving in together (even just part-time living together) can play havoc on any relationship. So many of us greet our man in high heels and mascara at the beginning of the relationship, and then eventually start greeting them in flannel pants and t-shirts. It's often just a matter of necessity and convenience, and pretty unavoidable.
Lingerie that creeps up our backside, or fails to cover our bottoms, finds its way to the back of the drawer and we stop worrying that he'll see us in the comfy cotton ones our mom gave us for Xmas.
After a while those rarely comfortable push-up bras and bustiers only come out on special occasions, and as they things wear out - or stop fitting! - we find there are more serious things to spend money on.
So, one obvious reason for this apparent obsession with appearance is that when a male dominant takes charge of his submissive's appearance he is ensuring that his desire for her will stay fresh. He heads off the problem of her letting the visual stimulus fade, and if his tastes change he simply starts leading her her into his latest fantasy look.
This is only one aspect however. There are deeper layers around controlling such basic adult choices as what clothing to wear that can truly make a submissive feel she has given over power to the man she wishes to please.
There are also the delicious darker kinks of objectification that come from carefully orchestrated appearance choices.
She can become little more than a doll for him to dress, perhaps. Or he can turn her into a schoolgirl, a whore, or a french maid for a period of time, and she ceases to be his lover, his friend, his partner. She is now a new woman he can explore, make love to, abuse...whatever tickles his fancy.
Most males love variety when it comes to sex and poly is not for everyone.
These things that work so well for male dominants work for most female submissives, as well. Many of us enjoy the kink of being someone society doesn't let us be. We also love the loss of control we feel when faced with something as fundamental as losing the right to choose our underwear.
When a dominant makes a decision about these things the female submissive may find herself in a position all day long of being reminded of the D/s relationship.
Just ask any submissive who has worn some article of kinky clothing under her work clothes.
Hot, hot, hot.
I'm sure I'm only tapping the surface here, but there are very good reasons that these rituals are so attractive to those of us in the lifestyle. It's no wonder we instinctively lean towards them.
Myself included.
I suppose a lot of it revolves around the fact that so many men are visual and the way a woman dresses and does her hair can make a huge difference in his feelings towards her.
In so many long term relationships it seems the fire and sexual energy dies after a period of time and my guess is that so much of that comes down to the old adage about familiarity breeding contempt.
Moving in together (even just part-time living together) can play havoc on any relationship. So many of us greet our man in high heels and mascara at the beginning of the relationship, and then eventually start greeting them in flannel pants and t-shirts. It's often just a matter of necessity and convenience, and pretty unavoidable.
Lingerie that creeps up our backside, or fails to cover our bottoms, finds its way to the back of the drawer and we stop worrying that he'll see us in the comfy cotton ones our mom gave us for Xmas.
After a while those rarely comfortable push-up bras and bustiers only come out on special occasions, and as they things wear out - or stop fitting! - we find there are more serious things to spend money on.
So, one obvious reason for this apparent obsession with appearance is that when a male dominant takes charge of his submissive's appearance he is ensuring that his desire for her will stay fresh. He heads off the problem of her letting the visual stimulus fade, and if his tastes change he simply starts leading her her into his latest fantasy look.
This is only one aspect however. There are deeper layers around controlling such basic adult choices as what clothing to wear that can truly make a submissive feel she has given over power to the man she wishes to please.
There are also the delicious darker kinks of objectification that come from carefully orchestrated appearance choices.
She can become little more than a doll for him to dress, perhaps. Or he can turn her into a schoolgirl, a whore, or a french maid for a period of time, and she ceases to be his lover, his friend, his partner. She is now a new woman he can explore, make love to, abuse...whatever tickles his fancy.
Most males love variety when it comes to sex and poly is not for everyone.
These things that work so well for male dominants work for most female submissives, as well. Many of us enjoy the kink of being someone society doesn't let us be. We also love the loss of control we feel when faced with something as fundamental as losing the right to choose our underwear.
When a dominant makes a decision about these things the female submissive may find herself in a position all day long of being reminded of the D/s relationship.
Just ask any submissive who has worn some article of kinky clothing under her work clothes.
Hot, hot, hot.
I'm sure I'm only tapping the surface here, but there are very good reasons that these rituals are so attractive to those of us in the lifestyle. It's no wonder we instinctively lean towards them.
Myself included.
Finding Your Level - Pt 1
I received an email today from someone who'd taken an online test about dominance I'd created on another site.
Although admittedly uneducated about BDSM, he was concerned that my test was skewed towards people who were more likely abusive or tyranical by nature.
He also made a comment that it was his understanding that BDSM was all about kinky sex and not oppression.
::sigh::
It was an intelligent and concerned email from someone who was obviously eager to explore this lifestyle, so I felt moved to reply.
This is my response:
Thanks for your feedback. After 7+ years in my local BDSM community I'm pretty clear on the differences between abusers/tyrants and dominants.
Naturally all D/s should revolve around consideration for a partner's needs and feelings, and consent is the number one rule. However, there are many levels of D/s and some people do enjoy pushing the power exchange to the extreme. It works just fine for them, as long as they have a partner who is also inclined towards more intense D/s.
In my relationships I've encountered many dominants, like yourself, who enjoy it on a play level, and for many of them the stronger elements of D/s just don't sit well. I've also been involved with someone I would term a slave-master and many things were all-or-nothing with him when it came to obedience. It was intense and beautiful. Whether it would have suited me long-term I can only quess.
The joy of BDSM is that you can take it to whatever level you and your partner enjoy. There are no rules...except consent and do no harm.
As for your comment about BDSM being all about kinky sex, this is only true for a certain percentage of people in the lifestyle. Some people do equate their desires with kinky sex, but for some of us it is definitely about how we shape our relationships, and can apply to such daily mundane things as who does the dishes, and whether or not they rent a particular movie. It can very much resemble a Lord/Lady-of-the-manor and servant dynamic. This is an individual decision and based on the individual's desires, needs, and the reality of the daily grind.
For most of us things tend to fluctuate back and forth between those poles, and sometimes it's hard to tell between the two. If you like I'd be happy to point you in the direction of some good reading on the subject.
Good luck on your journey. I'm sure it will bring you joy.
Although this person was honest and open to learning I do find many people, even those who have experience, still cling to the misconception that BDSM is primarily about kinky sex.
It's a myth that may never die, given our society's preoccupation with anything sexual.
At any rate, I was glad this person sought out some clarification and hope I added food for thought to his kink diet.
Although admittedly uneducated about BDSM, he was concerned that my test was skewed towards people who were more likely abusive or tyranical by nature.
He also made a comment that it was his understanding that BDSM was all about kinky sex and not oppression.
::sigh::
It was an intelligent and concerned email from someone who was obviously eager to explore this lifestyle, so I felt moved to reply.
This is my response:
Thanks for your feedback. After 7+ years in my local BDSM community I'm pretty clear on the differences between abusers/tyrants and dominants.
Naturally all D/s should revolve around consideration for a partner's needs and feelings, and consent is the number one rule. However, there are many levels of D/s and some people do enjoy pushing the power exchange to the extreme. It works just fine for them, as long as they have a partner who is also inclined towards more intense D/s.
In my relationships I've encountered many dominants, like yourself, who enjoy it on a play level, and for many of them the stronger elements of D/s just don't sit well. I've also been involved with someone I would term a slave-master and many things were all-or-nothing with him when it came to obedience. It was intense and beautiful. Whether it would have suited me long-term I can only quess.
The joy of BDSM is that you can take it to whatever level you and your partner enjoy. There are no rules...except consent and do no harm.
As for your comment about BDSM being all about kinky sex, this is only true for a certain percentage of people in the lifestyle. Some people do equate their desires with kinky sex, but for some of us it is definitely about how we shape our relationships, and can apply to such daily mundane things as who does the dishes, and whether or not they rent a particular movie. It can very much resemble a Lord/Lady-of-the-manor and servant dynamic. This is an individual decision and based on the individual's desires, needs, and the reality of the daily grind.
For most of us things tend to fluctuate back and forth between those poles, and sometimes it's hard to tell between the two. If you like I'd be happy to point you in the direction of some good reading on the subject.
Good luck on your journey. I'm sure it will bring you joy.
Although this person was honest and open to learning I do find many people, even those who have experience, still cling to the misconception that BDSM is primarily about kinky sex.
It's a myth that may never die, given our society's preoccupation with anything sexual.
At any rate, I was glad this person sought out some clarification and hope I added food for thought to his kink diet.
Finding Your Level - Pt 2
A young Dom-to-be wrote to me and and mentioned his trouble with the idea of slavery as a kink concept. His comment was that he is inclined, as a young American, to think of slavery in terms of his country's history, and he wondered how people can justify giving up liberties in this day and age.
He was also concerned that he had offended me with a previous email where we had discussed what drew me, and others like me, to kink.
This was my response:
Not to worry. I didn't find your email offensive at all. I think you simply hold all the usual reservations and concerns any sane, caring individual would, given that they had little or no knowledge of BDSM.
Good books to read include SM101 by Jay Wiseman, and The Loving Dominant by John Warren. Be wary of what you read online by people who only have chatroom/online experience.
One way to look at the "master/slave" mentality of this lifestyle is to realize that we are not talking about the non-consensual slavery of your country's past. D/s resembles more a type of responsibility Feudal Lords had for the well-being of their peons, or the type of behaviour espoused by the bible when referring to an ethical "Master of The House".
As to why any sane adult would put themselves in the position of being submissive to someone else's will, one simply has to look at human nature. Many of us take great pleasure in catering to other's needs, whether in a Florence Nightingale sense, a Mother Theresa sense, or in a Buddhistic/Zen mindset.
Also, do not forget that humans are pack animals and like wolves tend to seek their standing in the pack to ensure survival. Some temperments are better suited to an Alpha lifestyle, while others feel more comfortable as followers.
In return for these perceived sacrifices the submissive personality should expect that the alpha they bond to will take their well-being into consideration and make decisions that will ensure a happy, healthy relationship for both parties.
Naturally this is all too complex to go into in greater detail here, but I do hope it has given you some small insight and perhaps renewed enthusiasm for exploring this lifestyle.
Take care.
He was also concerned that he had offended me with a previous email where we had discussed what drew me, and others like me, to kink.
This was my response:
Not to worry. I didn't find your email offensive at all. I think you simply hold all the usual reservations and concerns any sane, caring individual would, given that they had little or no knowledge of BDSM.
Good books to read include SM101 by Jay Wiseman, and The Loving Dominant by John Warren. Be wary of what you read online by people who only have chatroom/online experience.
One way to look at the "master/slave" mentality of this lifestyle is to realize that we are not talking about the non-consensual slavery of your country's past. D/s resembles more a type of responsibility Feudal Lords had for the well-being of their peons, or the type of behaviour espoused by the bible when referring to an ethical "Master of The House".
As to why any sane adult would put themselves in the position of being submissive to someone else's will, one simply has to look at human nature. Many of us take great pleasure in catering to other's needs, whether in a Florence Nightingale sense, a Mother Theresa sense, or in a Buddhistic/Zen mindset.
Also, do not forget that humans are pack animals and like wolves tend to seek their standing in the pack to ensure survival. Some temperments are better suited to an Alpha lifestyle, while others feel more comfortable as followers.
In return for these perceived sacrifices the submissive personality should expect that the alpha they bond to will take their well-being into consideration and make decisions that will ensure a happy, healthy relationship for both parties.
Naturally this is all too complex to go into in greater detail here, but I do hope it has given you some small insight and perhaps renewed enthusiasm for exploring this lifestyle.
Take care.
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