I don't really consider myself a masochist. This may come as news to those who know me as a submissive, and especially as one with a healthy appetite for play.
I can't really say how some people seem able to directly turn pain into pleasure. I imagine it's a rarer quality than most people are led to believe, when they enter the lifestyle. But what I have experienced is that an intense sensation, which might at first be experienced as pain, can be made bearable by the endorphins the brain releases as a protective measure.
(Adrenaline can also bring this on, in scenes that are fear-based, or even just emotionally edgy...)
Eventually, flooded with enough endorphins, one feels pleasure. Since sexual arousal also can be considered an endorphin rush I would say the brain probably just cross-references such sensations, and sometimes that pain is experienced as sexual pleasure. Sometimes, however, it’s just a more diffuse, general pleasure.
Naturally, adding sexual stimuli to the painful one can be quite effective in directing the pleasure to be experienced as sexual in nature, although it’s not a smooth, seamless path. Sometimes it's like the waves on a beach...they overlap, and alternate.
If I’m experiencing sexual pleasure, painful stimuli added to that can become a distractant, and not an amplifier. This depends on the stimuli. It’s rather obvious that pain applied to erogenous zones would automatically be an amplifier, and it’s often the case, as long as the pain is not introduced in a sudden and jarring way.
(This is why nipple torture and genital torture are possible - and popular! - in BDSM.)
To further cloud the issue, if the painful stimulus is not a distractant from pleasure, it isn't generally perceived as pain, except perhaps intellectually. This is why I refer to BDSM activities that I enjoy as intense sensations, and not pain.
(If I perceive them as pain, I’m not enjoying them, strictly speaking, although I may enjoy suffering them to please my partner, or as an outward show of my submission to their will, sometimes even as a cathartic release, since tears are healing, but difficult for me to allow.)
Sometimes very intense pain causes so much chemical flooding, that one may experience a type of body-disengagement, sometimes referred to as flying. I have only experienced this twice, maybe three times, and it can be a very spiritual type of pleasure. I believe that this is the type of pleasure people into pain rituals - such as hanging from flesh-hooks - seek. It can be accompanied by visions, and apparently a hyper-clarity of thought, at times.
I am always amazed at what kinds of stimuli I can take, and how it's perceived by my body. It's never consistent either; I can love or hate something, dependant on many factors, such as emotional state, hormones, body position, who my partner is...
Bondage, interestingly enough, allows me to accept more pain. I think when I am not bound, my subconscious thinks I should be trying to get away, which is a realistic response, and so I struggle against it.
When I'm bound, well, there is no point in fighting, so obviously my mind is forced to look for other ways to deal with the sensation.
Subspace, can be a type of bondage, in this case. I do take more pain when I am emotionally connected to my partner, and feel that compulsion to please, and obey.
In general, although not everyone would agree, I don’t consider myself a masochist simply because I do not seek pain. I seek intense sensations because I am an adrenaline and endorphin junkie, and accept pain, as a submissive who seeks to please, and to entertain my partner.
(If my struggles and squeals are rewarding for him, they become rewarding to me by default; this occurs within limits of course, in the context of trust and emotional bonding.)
In the end, sensations are only sensations. They are neural and chemical reactions processed by the brain, coloured and given meaning by the complicated, and subjective, mind.
Showing posts with label Spanking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spanking. Show all posts
Submissive But Not Weak
The question that led me to research the world of BDSM and the psychology of submission is one that has been nagging at me for over 25 years.
WHY, at 15, had I provoked my first true love into spanking me...In public? I knew somehow deep inside that if he did, it meant that he loved me.
What a strange idea.
And yet, for no rational reason I could articulate, I wanted him to prove his love by controlling my bratty behaviour. It's not as though I wanted to be abused. It's not as though I came from an abused background and it was the only kind of love I recognized. It wasn't as if I was searching for an absentee father.
I just KNEW that if he cared, if he really, really, loved me, he'd take me over his knee in front of all those people and spank me.
He did.
I loved him wildly for 5 years, although we weren't together that long.
Looking back I know what it was I loved about him. I loved that he was strong. Determined. Not afraid to take control. Not willing to let ME control HIM. Not NEEDING me to be responsible for him.
I have always felt somewhat responsible for the world. A silly thing to be sure, but a powerful illusion anyway. If it rained on my friend's parade I felt it was my fault the sun had not come out. The universe just might not turn without me there to guide the orbits.
Many of us have this strange complulsion.
Most submissives are people who take on a great deal of responsibility. They are often strong and powerful people. They are leaders, people who are relied on by their friends, families and employers. People who are compelled to take control of a situation.
Of course this takes a strong person. But even strong people get tired. The universe is a heavy place to hold up after all.
At the very least you will find that most submissives excercise a great deal of control over their small part of the universe.
And this is the secret - for me at least - to my desire to be submissive.
For those moments in time when I am bound, when I have given that control over to someone else for awhile I am at peace. I am free. I am without responsibility for the world. Someone 'loves' me enough to take it off my shoulders. To let me fly.
In those moments, everything else falls away. There is nothing I need to do but follow where my Dom leads. There is nothing else I CAN do.
And that is a wonderful place to be...for awhile.
I don't want to be powerless in my life. And this is what a lot of people think being submissive means. I just want to have my power recharged. To take a respite and come back to the world just as strong and powerful as before.
So now I know it's not about abuse. It's not about weakness. It's about being strong enough inside to trust that I can put aside power for awhile and get it back when I'm ready.
Not so strange after all....
WHY, at 15, had I provoked my first true love into spanking me...In public? I knew somehow deep inside that if he did, it meant that he loved me.
What a strange idea.
And yet, for no rational reason I could articulate, I wanted him to prove his love by controlling my bratty behaviour. It's not as though I wanted to be abused. It's not as though I came from an abused background and it was the only kind of love I recognized. It wasn't as if I was searching for an absentee father.
I just KNEW that if he cared, if he really, really, loved me, he'd take me over his knee in front of all those people and spank me.
He did.
I loved him wildly for 5 years, although we weren't together that long.
Looking back I know what it was I loved about him. I loved that he was strong. Determined. Not afraid to take control. Not willing to let ME control HIM. Not NEEDING me to be responsible for him.
I have always felt somewhat responsible for the world. A silly thing to be sure, but a powerful illusion anyway. If it rained on my friend's parade I felt it was my fault the sun had not come out. The universe just might not turn without me there to guide the orbits.
Many of us have this strange complulsion.
Most submissives are people who take on a great deal of responsibility. They are often strong and powerful people. They are leaders, people who are relied on by their friends, families and employers. People who are compelled to take control of a situation.
Of course this takes a strong person. But even strong people get tired. The universe is a heavy place to hold up after all.
At the very least you will find that most submissives excercise a great deal of control over their small part of the universe.
And this is the secret - for me at least - to my desire to be submissive.
For those moments in time when I am bound, when I have given that control over to someone else for awhile I am at peace. I am free. I am without responsibility for the world. Someone 'loves' me enough to take it off my shoulders. To let me fly.
In those moments, everything else falls away. There is nothing I need to do but follow where my Dom leads. There is nothing else I CAN do.
And that is a wonderful place to be...for awhile.
I don't want to be powerless in my life. And this is what a lot of people think being submissive means. I just want to have my power recharged. To take a respite and come back to the world just as strong and powerful as before.
So now I know it's not about abuse. It's not about weakness. It's about being strong enough inside to trust that I can put aside power for awhile and get it back when I'm ready.
Not so strange after all....
~ C.A. 2001
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