Articles By Cin

Sex, Submission And Spirituality

2008-05-31T17:52:00.000-07:00

Sex has become a path to spirituality for me. And this is something I was somewhat skeptical about when I first entered the BDSM community and heard people refer to S/m as Sex Magic.

I thought perhaps they were putting a romantic spin on what was simply just a really great way to get some endorphins and exercise.

But by adding submission to my sexual expression something rather magical did happen.

I began to equate such fun activities as being on my knees, obeying even when I didn't want to do what I was told, and having my own pleasure postponed for someone else's pleasure, as spiritual acts.

Acts of humbling myself, acts of sacrifice and selflessness. These are acts that every religion, as far as I can tell, considers very spiritually healthy.

Now I get it.

Sex became more than just me striving for an orgasm. It became about linking to the desires of my partner, of losing myself in his will, and not my own. Of acknowledging my own powerlessness, and accepting it with faith and trust.

What is that saying: Let go and let God? Well, it's something like that.

To look at your partner and see them as a vessel of whatever greater power there may be out there in the Universe. To acknowledge the greater power by seeing them as a representation of life and creation...

To worship the divine in the person I am submitting to...It's as rapturous as any religious experience.

In all my dabbles with spiritual doctrines like Buddhism I could never manage those states of being in the moment, of accepting one's powerlessness. Could never really understand faith.

Meditation, chanting, fasting...nope, none of it worked.

Through sex and submission I have learned those things. I guess I needed a flesh and blood representation of the Divine. I needed to use my strong sexuality as the best conduit perhaps.

Well, at any rate, why is works is a pedantic point. It works. For me. And I am more in touch with the Universe, with my place in it, and with my own soul now than I have ever been.

More Is Not Always Better

2008-05-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

As I lie in bed this morning, re-living a wonderful sensual, non-sadistic, caning, it occurred to me again that there seems to still lurk this attitude that the harder you can take your play the better sub/bottom/slave you are.

I really think we get caught up in this idea that more is better. I know from talking to others fairly new to the scene that they feel pressured to take it harder, to take more. That they feel somehow that they are considered less of sub/bottom/slave if they don't wish to play hard, if they are not interested in trying whips, electrical play, or even wish to play at all.

Not all of us are into this to endure physical sensations that we perceive as unpleasant. Not all of us can take intense sensations and turn them into erotic ones. Not all of us enjoy the idea of pushing our endurance, of struggling through.

Each and every one of us does this for our own personal reasons. There's no right or wrong about it. I'm not here to judge other people, nor am I here to live up to anyone else's expectations.

What I choose to do, and how I choose to do it, is as much my decision as who I choose to do it with.

I know, that even after 6 years, my submissive nature makes it hard sometimes to disappoint people. Especially friends and loved ones. This does not make me weak, stupid, or in need of protection. But it does mean I'll occasionally give in to something I'd rather pass on.

It's my nature, and I'm no longer ashamed of it. But I am aware of it, and I always do my best to stand firm and say no. I expect my friends to understand this, and to care about me enough to resist the urge to pressure me into doing anything I seem reluctant to do.

I surround myself with people I feel are understanding and caring. I feel safe around them, as one should around friends. It's the smart thing for me to do. Because of this I feel relatively safe and secure and free to be the real me.

I felt the need to share these thoughts, mainly because I believe that we should never be complacent about assuming that those of us in the lifestyle never get carried away by enthusiasm and pressure. No matter how experienced we may be.

We're all human, after all. And the very intimate type of fun we indulge in together is pure sweet temptation.

At least it is to me.

The Reality Of BDSM Slavery

2008-05-31T15:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, if I hear one more self-proclaimed expert spout the internet drivel that a slave has no rights, I'm going to scream.

When people stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships simply because they believe the title of slave permanently prohibits their rights to make choices for themselves, then they are just as delusional as the bozos who claim a master has the right to kidnap or murder his slave.

Pure unadulterated, dangerous BS...that's what it is...

The reality...

Contracts between slaves/subs and masters/dom/mes have absolutely no legal value at all, whether implied, verbal or written. As adults the law holds us responsible for own actions. We are not above the law, nor can we actually legally give up our rights. It's important that we understand this point.

Anyone who thinks being a master means they are above the law, and can kidnap, mentally or physically abuse, keep captive, or kill a slave is delusional.

In Canada, and in the USA, slavery is illegal. One can not legally keep a slave, nor can one legally BE a slave.

The relationship state we refer to as slavery in BDSM is a consensual agreement between two people, and varies according to the people involved, but it is not recognized by the law in Canada or the United States. It can certainly be a healthy, viable relationship as long as all parties are getting their needs met.

Any adult involved in a BDSM relationship must always remember that we must still function in society as legally responsible citizens.

The labels sub, slave, mistress, master, dominant are NOT recognized by the law in Canada, or in the United States.

We may chose to obey our partner, but in a court of law that will not hold up as a legal defense. Even a wife or husband who has made a vow to love honour and obey is not legally free from justice if that obedience leads to an illegal act.

This may not be the way some of us wish things to be but this is how it is. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Mental Bondage

2008-05-31T14:59:00.000-07:00

(Dedicated to J.)

The power of a verbal command can be felt in a very physical way.

I think everyone has had the experience of being held to their word. That feeling you get when you feel obligated to do something; even though you know there is no way you can really be held to carry out that promise, you just can’t bring yourself to break your word.

Most people think in terms of a sub having to obey a command to stay still or to hold a position when they hear the term mental bondage. This is a very accurate description but it’s really only the tip of the iceberg.

When I truly feel submissive to someone I find myself incapable of breaking my word to them. Even if I know they have no way of knowing that I haven’t done what I was told to do, I still feel a compulsion to obey.

I’m not sure I recognized that compulsion until I was taught that bondage originates in the will of the dominant, not in the chains, ropes, or even in the consequences. I know I never really understood the connection between physical bondage and my submissive nature until I made that realization.

The cuffs and collars, ropes and chains, even the cage, are symbolic of the inner grasp the dominant has over me. They don’t have to exist in order for me to feel bound by his Will. I’m motivated by his self-determination. The more confident he is of his purpose, and his ability to bring that vision to life, the more compelled I am to join him in trying to make that vision a reality.

(I suppose it’s a type of charisma I’m referring to; that quality that we recognize in great leaders. Interesting thought; I need to explore that more…)

The bottom line (no pun intended) is that I obey, once I am compelled to obey…Not by force or by consequences, but by mental bondage. That mental bondage nurtures a strong devotion, a commitment towards a shared vision…

Interesting thought to explore. I imagine I’m only beginning to tap the surface of this aspect of myself, at any rate.

Throwing A Little Light On Masochism

2008-05-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

I don't really consider myself a masochist. This may come as news to those who know me as a submissive, and especially as one with a healthy appetite for play.

I can't really say how some people seem able to directly turn pain into pleasure. I imagine it's a rarer quality than most people are led to believe, when they enter the lifestyle. But what I have experienced is that an intense sensation, which might at first be experienced as pain, can be made bearable by the endorphins the brain releases as a protective measure.

(Adrenaline can also bring this on, in scenes that are fear-based, or even just emotionally edgy...)

Eventually, flooded with enough endorphins, one feels pleasure. Since sexual arousal also can be considered an endorphin rush I would say the brain probably just cross-references such sensations, and sometimes that pain is experienced as sexual pleasure. Sometimes, however, it’s just a more diffuse, general pleasure.

Naturally, adding sexual stimuli to the painful one can be quite effective in directing the pleasure to be experienced as sexual in nature, although it’s not a smooth, seamless path. Sometimes it's like the waves on a beach...they overlap, and alternate.

If I’m experiencing sexual pleasure, painful stimuli added to that can become a distractant, and not an amplifier. This depends on the stimuli. It’s rather obvious that pain applied to erogenous zones would automatically be an amplifier, and it’s often the case, as long as the pain is not introduced in a sudden and jarring way.

(This is why nipple torture and genital torture are possible - and popular! - in BDSM.)

To further cloud the issue, if the painful stimulus is not a distractant from pleasure, it isn't generally perceived as pain, except perhaps intellectually. This is why I refer to BDSM activities that I enjoy as intense sensations, and not pain.

(If I perceive them as pain, I’m not enjoying them, strictly speaking, although I may enjoy suffering them to please my partner, or as an outward show of my submission to their will, sometimes even as a cathartic release, since tears are healing, but difficult for me to allow.)

Sometimes very intense pain causes so much chemical flooding, that one may experience a type of body-disengagement, sometimes referred to as flying. I have only experienced this twice, maybe three times, and it can be a very spiritual type of pleasure. I believe that this is the type of pleasure people into pain rituals - such as hanging from flesh-hooks - seek. It can be accompanied by visions, and apparently a hyper-clarity of thought, at times.

I am always amazed at what kinds of stimuli I can take, and how it's perceived by my body. It's never consistent either; I can love or hate something, dependant on many factors, such as emotional state, hormones, body position, who my partner is...

Bondage, interestingly enough, allows me to accept more pain. I think when I am not bound, my subconscious thinks I should be trying to get away, which is a realistic response, and so I struggle against it.

When I'm bound, well, there is no point in fighting, so obviously my mind is forced to look for other ways to deal with the sensation.

Subspace, can be a type of bondage, in this case. I do take more pain when I am emotionally connected to my partner, and feel that compulsion to please, and obey.

In general, although not everyone would agree, I don’t consider myself a masochist simply because I do not seek pain. I seek intense sensations because I am an adrenaline and endorphin junkie, and accept pain, as a submissive who seeks to please, and to entertain my partner.

(If my struggles and squeals are rewarding for him, they become rewarding to me by default; this occurs within limits of course, in the context of trust and emotional bonding.)

In the end, sensations are only sensations. They are neural and chemical reactions processed by the brain, coloured and given meaning by the complicated, and subjective, mind.

More Than Just Leather And Lace

2008-05-31T14:43:00.000-07:00

I was pondering the idea of rituals in M/f D/s relationships and started wondering why a fair amount of them seem to revolve around the submissive's appearance.

I suppose a lot of it revolves around the fact that so many men are visual and the way a woman dresses and does her hair can make a huge difference in his feelings towards her.

In so many long term relationships it seems the fire and sexual energy dies after a period of time and my guess is that so much of that comes down to the old adage about familiarity breeding contempt.

Moving in together (even just part-time living together) can play havoc on any relationship. So many of us greet our man in high heels and mascara at the beginning of the relationship, and then eventually start greeting them in flannel pants and t-shirts. It's often just a matter of necessity and convenience, and pretty unavoidable.

Lingerie that creeps up our backside, or fails to cover our bottoms, finds its way to the back of the drawer and we stop worrying that he'll see us in the comfy cotton ones our mom gave us for Xmas.

After a while those rarely comfortable push-up bras and bustiers only come out on special occasions, and as they things wear out - or stop fitting! - we find there are more serious things to spend money on.

So, one obvious reason for this apparent obsession with appearance is that when a male dominant takes charge of his submissive's appearance he is ensuring that his desire for her will stay fresh. He heads off the problem of her letting the visual stimulus fade, and if his tastes change he simply starts leading her her into his latest fantasy look.

This is only one aspect however. There are deeper layers around controlling such basic adult choices as what clothing to wear that can truly make a submissive feel she has given over power to the man she wishes to please.

There are also the delicious darker kinks of objectification that come from carefully orchestrated appearance choices.

She can become little more than a doll for him to dress, perhaps. Or he can turn her into a schoolgirl, a whore, or a french maid for a period of time, and she ceases to be his lover, his friend, his partner. She is now a new woman he can explore, make love to, abuse...whatever tickles his fancy.

Most males love variety when it comes to sex and poly is not for everyone.

These things that work so well for male dominants work for most female submissives, as well. Many of us enjoy the kink of being someone society doesn't let us be. We also love the loss of control we feel when faced with something as fundamental as losing the right to choose our underwear.

When a dominant makes a decision about these things the female submissive may find herself in a position all day long of being reminded of the D/s relationship.

Just ask any submissive who has worn some article of kinky clothing under her work clothes.

Hot, hot, hot.

I'm sure I'm only tapping the surface here, but there are very good reasons that these rituals are so attractive to those of us in the lifestyle. It's no wonder we instinctively lean towards them.

Myself included.

Finding Your Level - Pt 1

2008-05-31T14:37:00.001-07:00

I received an email today from someone who'd taken an online test about dominance I'd created on another site.

Although admittedly uneducated about BDSM, he was concerned that my test was skewed towards people who were more likely abusive or tyranical by nature.

He also made a comment that it was his understanding that BDSM was all about kinky sex and not oppression.

::sigh::

It was an intelligent and concerned email from someone who was obviously eager to explore this lifestyle, so I felt moved to reply.

This is my response:

Thanks for your feedback. After 7+ years in my local BDSM community I'm pretty clear on the differences between abusers/tyrants and dominants.

Naturally all D/s should revolve around consideration for a partner's needs and feelings, and consent is the number one rule. However, there are many levels of D/s and some people do enjoy pushing the power exchange to the extreme. It works just fine for them, as long as they have a partner who is also inclined towards more intense D/s.

In my relationships I've encountered many dominants, like yourself, who enjoy it on a play level, and for many of them the stronger elements of D/s just don't sit well. I've also been involved with someone I would term a slave-master and many things were all-or-nothing with him when it came to obedience. It was intense and beautiful. Whether it would have suited me long-term I can only quess.

The joy of BDSM is that you can take it to whatever level you and your partner enjoy. There are no rules...except consent and do no harm.

As for your comment about BDSM being all about kinky sex, this is only true for a certain percentage of people in the lifestyle. Some people do equate their desires with kinky sex, but for some of us it is definitely about how we shape our relationships, and can apply to such daily mundane things as who does the dishes, and whether or not they rent a particular movie. It can very much resemble a Lord/Lady-of-the-manor and servant dynamic. This is an individual decision and based on the individual's desires, needs, and the reality of the daily grind.

For most of us things tend to fluctuate back and forth between those poles, and sometimes it's hard to tell between the two. If you like I'd be happy to point you in the direction of some good reading on the subject.

Good luck on your journey. I'm sure it will bring you joy.

Although this person was honest and open to learning I do find many people, even those who have experience, still cling to the misconception that BDSM is primarily about kinky sex.

It's a myth that may never die, given our society's preoccupation with anything sexual.

At any rate, I was glad this person sought out some clarification and hope I added food for thought to his kink diet.

Finding Your Level - Pt 2

2008-05-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

A young Dom-to-be wrote to me and and mentioned his trouble with the idea of slavery as a kink concept. His comment was that he is inclined, as a young American, to think of slavery in terms of his country's history, and he wondered how people can justify giving up liberties in this day and age.

He was also concerned that he had offended me with a previous email where we had discussed what drew me, and others like me, to kink.

This was my response:

Not to worry. I didn't find your email offensive at all. I think you simply hold all the usual reservations and concerns any sane, caring individual would, given that they had little or no knowledge of BDSM.

Good books to read include SM101 by Jay Wiseman, and The Loving Dominant by John Warren. Be wary of what you read online by people who only have chatroom/online experience.

One way to look at the "master/slave" mentality of this lifestyle is to realize that we are not talking about the non-consensual slavery of your country's past. D/s resembles more a type of responsibility Feudal Lords had for the well-being of their peons, or the type of behaviour espoused by the bible when referring to an ethical "Master of The House".

As to why any sane adult would put themselves in the position of being submissive to someone else's will, one simply has to look at human nature. Many of us take great pleasure in catering to other's needs, whether in a Florence Nightingale sense, a Mother Theresa sense, or in a Buddhistic/Zen mindset.

Also, do not forget that humans are pack animals and like wolves tend to seek their standing in the pack to ensure survival. Some temperments are better suited to an Alpha lifestyle, while others feel more comfortable as followers.

In return for these perceived sacrifices the submissive personality should expect that the alpha they bond to will take their well-being into consideration and make decisions that will ensure a happy, healthy relationship for both parties.

Naturally this is all too complex to go into in greater detail here, but I do hope it has given you some small insight and perhaps renewed enthusiasm for exploring this lifestyle.

Take care.

Why Ask Why?

2008-05-31T14:25:00.000-07:00

Once again someone posted in the alt.com forums asking for enlightenment on how, why, and when people came to the lifestyle. This question is one asked often by newcomers, and that isn’t very surprising. We all seem driven to understand why we do what we do, especially when we first begin exploring.

However, there are as many answers to those questions as there are people in the lifestyle.

Some of us seem to feel these interests are genetically encoded, others say they just stumbled across it at the request of a lover and stayed for the endorphins. I’ve personally given up on the "nature vs nurture" mindset when it comes to human beings. I think everything we are and do is a product of “nature + nurture”.

I come from a large family and I see my submissive personality reflected back to me by at least one of my siblings. However, she chooses a religious conduit for her submissiveness, not a sexual one. Is it because she met her husband, a dominant religious man, early in life and was therefore nurtured towards that outlet? Probably; who really knows?

I also know that many of my submissive traits are common among adults who were the middle child in a large family. Yet, I know of more than one middle child who is very dominant. Again one factor alone doesn’t account for anything.

To try to pigeon-hole this lifestyle into one solid, black-and-white, cause-and-effect argument is a pretty futile task.

Having said that, I believe it’s invaluable to delve critically into these questions and better understand one’s own reasoning and motivations. Understanding our personal and unique wheres, whys and hows is one of the best tools for getting the most out of this lifestyle...or indeed out of life, period.

In my case I can trace back these urges to my childhood, and believe that I actually inherited a natural inclination towards submissiveness from my father. Both of us appear to express affection by serving the people we love. I also see no reason to doubt that my mother’s dominant nature, and my natural need to be loved and accepted by her, shaped many of my submissive responses.

To further complicate things, unlike my sister, I have a highly sexual and adventurous nature, a nonconformist attitude, and a craving for endorphins. These things appear to me to be well-served by the BDSM lifestyle.

My distrust of organized powers such as religion, made it unlikely that I would seek a religious outlet for my need to provide service and worship. My natural disinclination toward blindly accepting outdated modes of social behaviour made it easy for me to accept an alternate lifestyle.

In the end, all the pieces of the puzzle came together and here I am. No two people hold all the same pieces and so no two puzzles will come out quite the same. The answers of what brings someone to the lifestyle are as unique as their fingerprints.

And, I think, just as fascinating a mystery.

One I hope never to fully solve.

2008-04-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

I hope you find these articles entertaining and educational, and please feel free to share your own thoughts.

Submissive But Not Weak

2008-04-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

The question that led me to research the world of BDSM and the psychology of submission is one that has been nagging at me for over 25 years.

WHY, at 15, had I provoked my first true love into spanking me...In public? I knew somehow deep inside that if he did, it meant that he loved me.

What a strange idea.

And yet, for no rational reason I could articulate, I wanted him to prove his love by controlling my bratty behaviour. It's not as though I wanted to be abused. It's not as though I came from an abused background and it was the only kind of love I recognized. It wasn't as if I was searching for an absentee father.

I just KNEW that if he cared, if he really, really, loved me, he'd take me over his knee in front of all those people and spank me.

He did.

I loved him wildly for 5 years, although we weren't together that long.

Looking back I know what it was I loved about him. I loved that he was strong. Determined. Not afraid to take control. Not willing to let ME control HIM. Not NEEDING me to be responsible for him.

I have always felt somewhat responsible for the world. A silly thing to be sure, but a powerful illusion anyway. If it rained on my friend's parade I felt it was my fault the sun had not come out. The universe just might not turn without me there to guide the orbits.

Many of us have this strange complulsion.

Most submissives are people who take on a great deal of responsibility. They are often strong and powerful people. They are leaders, people who are relied on by their friends, families and employers. People who are compelled to take control of a situation.

Of course this takes a strong person. But even strong people get tired. The universe is a heavy place to hold up after all.

At the very least you will find that most submissives excercise a great deal of control over their small part of the universe.

And this is the secret - for me at least - to my desire to be submissive.

For those moments in time when I am bound, when I have given that control over to someone else for awhile I am at peace. I am free. I am without responsibility for the world. Someone 'loves' me enough to take it off my shoulders. To let me fly.

In those moments, everything else falls away. There is nothing I need to do but follow where my Dom leads. There is nothing else I CAN do.

And that is a wonderful place to be...for awhile.

I don't want to be powerless in my life. And this is what a lot of people think being submissive means. I just want to have my power recharged. To take a respite and come back to the world just as strong and powerful as before.

So now I know it's not about abuse. It's not about weakness. It's about being strong enough inside to trust that I can put aside power for awhile and get it back when I'm ready.

Not so strange after all....

~ C.A. 2001